Grizz fan’s hater’s guide to the houston rockets – grizzly bear blues

Yes, that’s right. In spite of the fact that everyone with an NBA blog spent all offseason talking about how much better the Thunder would be without Melo, the Rockets went out and signed member number three of the Banana Boat. Oh, sure, Carmelo Anthony’s agreed to come off the bench here, but let’s not act like that’s going to make him any less of a defensive liability, or that he won’t whine when he’s left on the bench in crunch time.

The Rockets were finally able to dump the albatross of the Ryan Anderson contract. In return they got Brandon Knight, who will remain dead until the Rockets get him onto Eric Gordon’s steroid regimen, and Marquese “de Sade” Chriss. Chriss jumps really high and is super athletic and is also complete butt. The Suns have whiffed on nearly every single draft pick they’ve had in the last decade, so trading for one of their players is probably a terrible idea.


Since the Rockets’ owner spent all his restaurant money buying the team, the Rockets let Trevor Ariza walk for a 1-year contract. To replace him, they brought in everyone’s favorite enigma, James Ennis. Just like we do every time Ennis joins a new team, people have acted excited about what he could do as a role player in the Rockets system. I’m sure that will last all of 10 games before D’Antoni does what every prior coach has done with Ennis: play him sporadically with no set role. I don’t know why everyone hates James Ennis, but I do know that no one ever wants to give him consistent playing time.

What We’ve Always Hated: Let’s start with the actual team, which I cannot stand watching no matter how good they are. For one thing, the constant foul drawing slows the game to a crawl. And if you’ve ever been forced to watch the Rockets on League Pass, you know just how awful their play-by-play team is. All three Texas teams have awful, homer crews, and the Rockets manage to be the most unbearable of the unholy triumvirate. Quite the accomplishment!

And the fans just feed off that awfulness. If you’ve spent any time in Houston, you know just how insufferable their sports fans are. Any failure to talk about how great they are is perceived as some enormous slight. They’re the fourth major market in the US, and yet their fans act with the persecution complex of a small market team. I guess it makes sense, considering no one actually cares about their teams.

And let’s not forget the city of Houston itself! The city is a giant, foul-smelling sprawl of strip malls and concrete. It might be the ugliest city in America. True story: I once went to a restaurant in Houston, and the walls were decorated with pictures of interstate underpasses. This is what passes for art in what is a cultural wasteland. Also, the streets (which are about as well-maintained as those of Louisiana) flood and the traffic lights fail every time it rains for more than ten straight minutes. Chandler Parsons’ assessment of this city was spot on.

Also, here’s a fun story! The city of Houston got a Bean sculpture to try and copy Chicago. When someone from Chicago (rightfully) mocked them for copying, the first response was “ Well, we’re going to pass you in total population!” Wow, what an intelligent response.